Brokenness

I have to admit, I really love clothes and shoes. Sometimes I spend a ridiculous amount of time just looking at clothes online. I think it really started when I had to be in my wheelchair, because clothes just don't fit the same when you're sitting down all the time. But then it turned into using clothes and shoes to make me feel less broken. I was always searching for that perfect outfit that could somehow fix my outward brokenness, or at least make it less painful. Ultimately, I ended up with a closet full of clothes and shoes that I hardly wore, since I stay home most of the time. And all that outward stuff never came close to fixing my broken heart.

I realized that I was going about this all wrong. The Lord showed me that He is the only One that can fix my brokenness. The beautiful thing about Jesus is that He looks past what is on the outside, and sees the hidden places of my heart. He does not reject my broken heart (Psalm 51:17), or my broken body.

God delights in healing our brokenness. Psalm 34:18 says that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." In my life, the sweetest brokenness is always in my surrender. And every single time I come to Jesus, surrendering my brokenness, He pours out His precious healing in my heart. In the same way a muscle needs to be broken down before it can become stronger, my heart and my faith are made stronger when I surrender all of my sorrow and brokenness to Jesus.

I will probably always love clothes and shoes. But I love my Lord more. Instead of searching for that "perfect thing," I have been using my time searching His Word. He promises that when we search for Him with our whole hearts, He will be found by us (Jeremiah 29:13). Today, as I sit in my chair, my body doesn't seem so broken, because my heart has been made whole by my loving Savior.

Year of Jubilee

Today is the 7th anniversary of being in my wheelchair. It's always been funny to me that it is on May 1st, because it's May Day. Mayday is a distress call, and the day that I just could not take one more step, and had to sit down instead, was truly a day of distress for me. As the years have passed, I have been able to find humor instead of distress. "Mayday, Mayday, I can't walk anymore!" It has been God's precious grace that has given me the ability to laugh instead of weep. He has turned my mourning into joy.

As the day marking 7 years of rolling instead of walking approached, I kept calling it my year of jubilee. In the Bible, the 7th year is the year of rest, and the 50th year is the Year of Jubilee. But, for me, I will still call this my year of jubilee. This is what Jesus said about it in Luke 4:18-19:
    
                The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
                Because He has anointed Me
                To preach the gospel to the poor;
                He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted,
                To proclaim liberty to the captives
                And recovery of sight to the blind,
                To set at liberty those who are oppressed;
                To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.

As I have sought Him in my distress, I have seen Him heal my broken heart. He sets me free when I am held captive by my fear. He has given sight to my blindness when I couldn't see anything but my pain. Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, has given me liberty when I have been oppressed and depressed.

This is not a day to look back on what I have lost, but to see all that I have gained. As I have surrendered my heart to my faithful God, He has given me His heart that is full of love and compassion, mercy and forgiveness, gentleness and understanding. I trust that my Father is using my MS and my wheelchair to bless my life in ways that I can't even comprehend. 

So this is truly my Year of Jubilee!