I have been writing this post in my head for the past couple of weeks, but today I see that the Lord has been writing it in my heart. There are some days when everything feels like too much. Sometimes those days stretch into weeks. It's like there is a dark downward sprial inside of me, and it's all I can do to just keep my head above the water and not get sucked down. The other night I was in my bathroom getting ready for bed. I was going to wash my face, but I just didn't want to. So I told the Lord that, and I told Him I didn't want to do any of it.
I saw my neurologist last week. I told him that it's been more difficult to transfer, and my spasticity is worse. My pain is worse, my hands are more numb, and my core strength is less. This has been gradually happening over the last 6 or 7 months. I have Secondary Progressive MS, and all of this is my disease progressing. We are already doing everything there is to be done for it right now. My initial response was, "Well I do have MS, and I know that God already has it all taken care of." And I probably made a few jokes as well. All of that is true, and my jokes are usually pretty funny. That seems to be my "M.O." I look at the positive, and find the funny. But then reality sets in, along with the pain of it all. I can't just cover it up with the "right answer" and a funny joke, because it's not really funny, and the "right answer" just feels like a Band-Aid.
I am reading a book by Hannah Whitall Smith, titled The God of all Comfort. In it she says:
"Once convince a man that two and two make four, and no amount of dyspepsia, or liver complaint, or east winds, or anything else, but actual lunacy, can upset his conviction. He knows it just as well when he has an attack of dyspepsia as he does when his digestion is in good working order. Convictions come from knowledge, and no amount of good feelings or bad feelings, of good health or ill health, can alter knowledge."
The one place the Lord leads me back to again and again is the place of surrender. When I tell Him that I don't want to do any of it, I'm really telling Him I don't want to surrender again. When I read what Miss Smith said about convictions, I asked myself, What are my convictions? What am I convinced of? I am convinced that surrender is sweet. Not because it's easy. It isn't. It is harder than anything else the Lord asks me to do. Surrender is sweet, not because of what I am surrendering, but because of Who I am surrendering to. I am convinced that the One who wants to take my burden loves me with an everlasting love. I am convinced that my God goes before me, and will be with me always. I am convinced that He will supply all of my needs, and I am convinced that His grace is sufficient for me. I am convinced because He has been convincing me of all of that and more since the day I was born, before I even knew Him.
In fact, I know it just as surely as two plus two equals four.