Out of the Darkness

When I wrote The Big Fatigue Bus, my heart was so heavy with so much, and I couldn't seem to make sense of it all. But I knew that the thing I could do was trust my Jesus. I read a poem about letting go of things so that your hands could be free for God to fill them up with His blessings. Sometimes when I'm really struggling with something, I don't even really know what "things" I am holding on to. I wanted to let them go, but I couldn't see them. It was dark in my cup full of sorrow.

I am so thankful that I have a Heavenly Father who is so kind and patient and full of grace. He lovingly and gently brushed away the darkness so that His light could shine. Now I see that I was afraid. I am in a wheelchair because I can't walk. But I can still stand up a little. Just enough to transfer to my bed and the car, but most importantly, to be able to go to the bathroom by myself.  Standing up has been more difficult lately. My balance is all off and my legs don't cooperate very well. I am afraid of losing that little bit of independence.

I can see now that I have been holding on to that pretty tightly. I don't have the strength to let that one go, but I know Someone who does. I can come to Jesus and ask Him to help me, to take away my fear. My whole life is in His hands, so I don't need to worry about keeping a hold of anything. His hands are bigger and infinitely stronger, and so much more capable than mine.

So here I am, free to raise my empty hands up in praise to my Lord Jesus Christ. What do I get in return? Jesus. What more do I need? He is altogether lovely and He loves me, He loves me, He loves me.  He has promised to take care of me. I believe Him.

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. 
(1 Peter 2:9)

That's me, His own special daughter, singing His praises in His marvelous light.

Bright Hope

I just read that Joni Eareckson Tada has breast cancer. I met her only once, but I feel such a connection with her. The Lord has really used her to help me see the beauty that He brings from the ashes of suffering. And even in this, she said that she knows that God will use this to brighten her hope. I can't stop thinking about that. Oh to have Jesus brighten my hope as I trust Him through this rough time I'm going through and through all of my days!

Thank You, Jesus, for using Joni once again to touch my heart with the perfect thing. May Joni and Ken be strengthened and blessed by You.  Please shine Your glorious light into the hearts of Your children so that our hope may be bright and bring praise to Your Name.

Big Fatigue Bus

For the last week or so I've been dealing with MS fatigue. This is what the National MS Society says about it:

...there is another kind of fatigue—referred to as lassitude—that is unique to people with MS. Researchers are beginning to outline the characteristics of this so-called "MS fatigue" that make it different from fatigue experienced by persons without MS.

-Generally occurs on a daily basis
-May occur early in the morning, even after a restful night’s sleep
-Tends to worsen as the day progresses
-Tends to be aggravated by heat and humidity
-Comes on easily and suddenly
-Is generally more severe than normal fatigue
-Is more likely to interfere with daily responsibilities

One of the most difficult things about living with MS is that I just never know when I'll be hit with something like this. That's what it feels like. Like I got hit by the Big Fatigue Bus. When it hit me this time I just felt so sad. I don't want to look at that list and know that I have each and every one of those things.

So here I am, in my bed, and my cup is overflowing with sorrow. I've been spending some time in the book of Psalms. There's a lot in there about discouragement and despair. I've just been feeling so stuck, or once again, trapped. I think I've been looking at everything through eyes tainted by self-pity. How can I see clearly if all I'm doing is hanging my head down, feeling sorry for myself?

I don't know how many times I have been in this place. The answer is always the same. Look to Jesus!

But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. (Ps. 3:3)

Again I say to Him, "I don't want to, but I will if You want me to." I am choosing now to surrender all to my sweet Savior. My circumstances haven't changed one bit since I wrote that. But my vision has. I am fixing my eyes and my heart on Jesus. I know that He loves me, so I am going to keep trusting, trusting, trusting Him.

As I put my hope and trust in HIM, my cup will overflow with joy once again.

Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God. (Psalm 43:5)