In the Quiet

It has been a while since my last post. I haven't been feeling well at all. During this time I have discovered some precious blessings from my faithful Father. It has been a time of quiet. But this has not been a quiet of desolation or despair. It has been a quiet deep within my heart, that place that is reserved for my Jesus.

Looking back over the 14 years of living with MS and walking with the Lord, I see that my road has been full of mountains and valleys. It seems like every time I would have a relapse or was really struggling with surrendering my will, I would be down in the valley; a lot of times way down, even in a dark pit. And then when the Lord lifted me up I was on the mountain top, so joyful to be held in the arms of Jesus.

The past couple of months, I haven't been in a valley or on the mountain. I have just been quiet. But in the quiet I have been so aware of the presence of my Lord. I realized that all those times in the valley I was fighting. Fighting against this disease, fighting against self pity, fighting against God's will for my life. I know that it is really important to fight the good fight and to not give up. But there is a fine line for me, and most of the time I wasn't fighting the good fight, I was just fighting.

I realized something else in this quiet. I'm not fighting. I'm resting. God in all of His lovingkindness has helped me to accept my disease in a way I never have before. I would always feel so guilty when I was so tired I couldn't really do much of anything. When I would see my husband doing everything for our family, I felt so bad, because if I didn't have MS, he wouldn't be burdened down with all this extra work. There is so much freedom in knowing that one little truth about myself; freedom to see that Marc doen't consider it a burden, he does it because he loves me. I have MS. There are going to be times when I just don't feel good. Something really amazing happens when I let go of all these unrealistic expectations I put on myself. I can stop fighting. I can be the wife and mom that God wants me to be, even if that is completely different from who I always thought I should be.

My most recent road has been rough and pretty rocky in some places, no valleys or mountains, but my journey has taken me to a place I've never been before. Tomorrow I am going in for my second infusion of Rituxan. It's not easy. I will feel bad for about a week. I am hoping that this treatment will work and I will start feeling better. But I know that whatever happens will be good.

We had a Pastor from Virginia speak at our church on Sunday. He asked if the difficult circumstances in our lives don't get better, is the presence of Jesus enough? He also said that what ever happens in our life, when Jesus is with us we can say, "How awesome is this place." I can honestly say yes, Jesus is enough. So tomorrow when I am getting my infusion and feeling all yucky, I will be able to say, how awesome is this place. Regardless of what happens with my MS or any other thing in my life, when I know that Jesus is with me, I can know that my heart can say, how awesome is this place. I can say that because in the quiet, I have heard the still small voice of the Lord telling me to cease striving, to stop fighting, and to know that He is my God and that He loves me with a love that is greater than anything. In the quiet I have learned to rest, and I have learned to accept my MS in a way I never have before. I wouldn't trade this for a thousand mountain tops.

Mercy

Mr. Spurgeon just told me (through today's devotion) that God's mercy is a royal chariot for my weary feet. That is so very lovely to me. I know that it is true. In life, my feet can become so weary as I "walk" through each day. Life is just hard, and some days the road is especially rough.

Last week I went to have my Baclofen pump refilled for the first time. It took 7 pokes to find the right spot. On the way home, my husband, Marc, and I were talking about it. It is tempting to think that there is some kind of "Suffering Deductible", and once I've met that for the year, then everything else should be easy. That's funny, but not even close to the truth. The truth is that whatever my God has for me today, His mercy and His grace are enough. When I am faced with any situation, easy or difficult, it is my opportunity to trust my Lord and praise His Name. As I continue doing that I am blessed with a deeper love for my Savior because every time He shows me His faithfulness, He shows me His limitless love.

My wheelchair is the instrument that God is using to show me mercy beyond measure, to bring me to my knees to kiss His feet, to give me joy like I have never known and to pour His love into my heart. So here I sit in my wheelchair, my royal chariot, resting my weary feet with a heart full of gratitude and sustained by His wondrous mercy.

My Tent

A tent is a temporary dwelling place. When I was a kid it was pretty fun to go camping and sleep in a tent. But after a few days I couldn't wait to get back home and sleep in my own bed, to be back in my own house.

The Bible says that my earthly body is a tent. This tent of mine has some serious problems. It's not really holding up like it's supposed to. There have been times that I have been pretty tired of all the rips and tears, and all the problems that come with living in a diseased tent. I really would love it if God would give me a new tent, if He would heal my body of this disease. I know He can, without a doubt, in an instant. I have asked, and He has answered. His answer is, "Not right now."

That is an answer that I can accept. Not because it's easy, but because Almighty God is a good God, and He loves me. I trust Him completely; He has never given me a reason not to. He is my Heavenly Father and He knows the plans He has for my life, and those plans are good and full of hope. Hope because Jesus has said -

"Let not your heart be troubled...In My Father's house are many mansions...I go to prepare a place for you...that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:2

Jesus doesn't want me to be troubled and worried about my tent. He cares about my tent. He is the One who made it for me. But it's not His main concern. What He really cares about is the person inside the tent, the only part that was made to last forever.

When this tent has seen its last day, that is the day I will be healed. I will be in the presence of my King, giving Him all the treasures that I have stored up in Heaven, just for Him.

"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down--when we die and leave these bodies--we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new heavenly bodies. Our dying bodies make us groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by everlasting life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he
has given us his Holy Spirit. So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. That is why we live by believing and not by seeing."

2 Corinthians 5:1-7 (NLT)

Worship

Worship has been so much on my mind and heart for a while. There is such a richness to worship. It is so meaningful on so many levels. Worship is so much more than the songs we sing on Sunday mornings. I think about Job, how after he lost everything, he worshipped the Lord (Job 1:20-21). And Abraham, after waiting years for his son of promise, obeyed the Lord when He told him to offer him as a burnt offering. He said he and Isaac were going to worship (Genesis 22:5). These men did not know the end of their story when they worshipped God at probably the hardest time of their lives. Job didn't wait until God restored everything that he lost. Abraham didn't wait until God provided a ram to take the place of Isaac for the burnt offering. Their hearts were set on the worship of Almighty God.

The definition for worship is "To adore; to pay divine honors to; to reverence with supreme respect." I came across a quote from Warren Wiersbe, "When you find yourself in some trial, and you hurt, immediately lift your heart to Christ in true love and worship. Why? Because this will take the poison out of the experience and replace it with healing medicine." Another definition for worship is, "To honor with extravagant love and extreme submission."

I love the time of worship at church. It is a beautiful thing when we all lift up our voices in song to the Lord. It's like practice for Heaven. But I feel my heart longing for more. I want to worship my Lord Jesus with all that I am, to honor Him with extravagant love and extreme submission. I think this kind of worship has nothing to do with my circumstances, or maybe it has everything to do with them.

So, when I'm having a great day, when I'm feeling good and the kids are good, I will worship my King. And when I'm having a hard day, when I'm so tired it's exhausting just to go to the bathroom, I will worship my King. When I'm feeling so weary and like I just can't do it anymore, I will worship my King. He is so very good all the time. I know I can trust Him and submit to His will for my life.

Today I will look for ways to honor Him with extravagant love. I will worship Christ when I make lunch for my kids, when I get dressed so I can be looking good for my husband after his long day at work, when I'm looking out the window at God's beautiful creation, and when I'm resting on my bed. 

I know how my story will end. I will be on my feet, raising my hands in worship, singing with all of Heaven, "Holy Holy Holy!" Until then, may my actions shout "Hallelujah!" my words sing with love, and the posture of my heart be continually bowed down in worship.

Alacrity

Tonight, in my evening devotion, I was challenged (or encouraged) to take up my cross with alacrity. Alacrity? Now that's not a word I use in my daily vocabulary, so I looked it up. It means “cheerful willingness”. What is my cross? Living with MS in a wheelchair. So, I am to live with MS, in my wheelchair, with cheerful willingness. And then Mr Spurgeon tells me to go on my way rejoicing.

This, to me, implies a daily, moment by moment kind of living. Kind of like breathing. In and out, over and over. At times that is all I can do. Just breathe. Like those times I feel I just can't do it. Or I get stuck in the “why cycle.” Why does everything have to be so hard? Why can't I just hop in the car and go to the grocery store? Why do I keep dropping everything on the bathroom floor? Why does it have to take so much effort just to get my pants on? Why? Why? Why?

I know someone who asked why a whole bunch: Job. He had a lot more reasons to ask why than I do. But I think we both get the same answer. God answered Job. He never told him why he suffered so much, but He did tell Job who He is. And Job's answer is my answer, too, if I can just be still and know that God is God. Job's answer was, “I have heard of Thee by the hearing of the ear; but now mine eye seeth Thee.” Job 42:5

Almighty God has revealed Himself to me. It is because of my cross that I see Him instead of just hearing about Him. It is because of Jesus that I can keep breathing so that I can worship Him in my surrender with cheerful willingness. I can say Thank You to my Savior for my lovely cross that makes me want Him more, to love and adore Him more, and to need Him more than anything else.

And now, I will roll on my way rejoicing...

Out of the Darkness

When I wrote The Big Fatigue Bus, my heart was so heavy with so much, and I couldn't seem to make sense of it all. But I knew that the thing I could do was trust my Jesus. I read a poem about letting go of things so that your hands could be free for God to fill them up with His blessings. Sometimes when I'm really struggling with something, I don't even really know what "things" I am holding on to. I wanted to let them go, but I couldn't see them. It was dark in my cup full of sorrow.

I am so thankful that I have a Heavenly Father who is so kind and patient and full of grace. He lovingly and gently brushed away the darkness so that His light could shine. Now I see that I was afraid. I am in a wheelchair because I can't walk. But I can still stand up a little. Just enough to transfer to my bed and the car, but most importantly, to be able to go to the bathroom by myself.  Standing up has been more difficult lately. My balance is all off and my legs don't cooperate very well. I am afraid of losing that little bit of independence.

I can see now that I have been holding on to that pretty tightly. I don't have the strength to let that one go, but I know Someone who does. I can come to Jesus and ask Him to help me, to take away my fear. My whole life is in His hands, so I don't need to worry about keeping a hold of anything. His hands are bigger and infinitely stronger, and so much more capable than mine.

So here I am, free to raise my empty hands up in praise to my Lord Jesus Christ. What do I get in return? Jesus. What more do I need? He is altogether lovely and He loves me, He loves me, He loves me.  He has promised to take care of me. I believe Him.

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. 
(1 Peter 2:9)

That's me, His own special daughter, singing His praises in His marvelous light.

Bright Hope

I just read that Joni Eareckson Tada has breast cancer. I met her only once, but I feel such a connection with her. The Lord has really used her to help me see the beauty that He brings from the ashes of suffering. And even in this, she said that she knows that God will use this to brighten her hope. I can't stop thinking about that. Oh to have Jesus brighten my hope as I trust Him through this rough time I'm going through and through all of my days!

Thank You, Jesus, for using Joni once again to touch my heart with the perfect thing. May Joni and Ken be strengthened and blessed by You.  Please shine Your glorious light into the hearts of Your children so that our hope may be bright and bring praise to Your Name.