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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

In the Quiet

It has been a while since my last post. I haven't been feeling well at all. During this time I have discovered some precious blessings from my faithful Father. It has been a time of quiet. But this has not been a quiet of desolation or despair. It has been a quiet deep within my heart, that place that is reserved for my Jesus.

Looking back over the 14 years of living with MS and walking with the Lord, I see that my road has been full of mountains and valleys. It seems like every time I would have a relapse or was really struggling with surrendering my will, I would be down in the valley; a lot of times way down, even in a dark pit. And then when the Lord lifted me up I was on the mountain top, so joyful to be held in the arms of Jesus.

The past couple of months, I haven't been in a valley or on the mountain. I have just been quiet. But in the quiet I have been so aware of the presence of my Lord. I realized that all those times in the valley I was fighting. Fighting against this disease, fighting against self pity, fighting against God's will for my life. I know that it is really important to fight the good fight and to not give up. But there is a fine line for me, and most of the time I wasn't fighting the good fight, I was just fighting.

I realized something else in this quiet. I'm not fighting. I'm resting. God in all of His lovingkindness has helped me to accept my disease in a way I never have before. I would always feel so guilty when I was so tired I couldn't really do much of anything. When I would see my husband doing everything for our family, I felt so bad, because if I didn't have MS, he wouldn't be burdened down with all this extra work. There is so much freedom in knowing that one little truth about myself; freedom to see that Marc doen't consider it a burden, he does it because he loves me. I have MS. There are going to be times when I just don't feel good. Something really amazing happens when I let go of all these unrealistic expectations I put on myself. I can stop fighting. I can be the wife and mom that God wants me to be, even if that is completely different from who I always thought I should be.

My most recent road has been rough and pretty rocky in some places, no valleys or mountains, but my journey has taken me to a place I've never been before. Tomorrow I am going in for my second infusion of Rituxan. It's not easy. I will feel bad for about a week. I am hoping that this treatment will work and I will start feeling better. But I know that whatever happens will be good.

We had a Pastor from Virginia speak at our church on Sunday. He asked if the difficult circumstances in our lives don't get better, is the presence of Jesus enough? He also said that what ever happens in our life, when Jesus is with us we can say, "How awesome is this place." I can honestly say yes, Jesus is enough. So tomorrow when I am getting my infusion and feeling all yucky, I will be able to say, how awesome is this place. Regardless of what happens with my MS or any other thing in my life, when I know that Jesus is with me, I can know that my heart can say, how awesome is this place. I can say that because in the quiet, I have heard the still small voice of the Lord telling me to cease striving, to stop fighting, and to know that He is my God and that He loves me with a love that is greater than anything. In the quiet I have learned to rest, and I have learned to accept my MS in a way I never have before. I wouldn't trade this for a thousand mountain tops.

7 comments:

  1. This is wonderful Ylisa. So glad you blogged today! Love and prayers for tomorrow.

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  2. I'm praying for you girlfriend.
    B cells, be gone.
    Thank you Jeshua for your steadfast love for us...in the valleys, on the mountain tops, and even in the quiet place.
    I love you.

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  3. Dear Ylisa, I shared your blog on my Facebook page and Janice Myrick, who has just moved to KY said this about this blog
    "Thank you for sharing this. I've had a few valley moments this week as I wonder what we are doing here all alone - what is God's plan. When I remember to ask for His guidance and peace - He always lifts my spirit. I know that He is with me. I need nothing else. Her comments were just what I needed".

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  4. Just received another message about your blog from Paulette Boord, who goes to CC Rivergate.
    She said, "what a blessing Ylisa's blog was!"
    Thank you. Love and prayers.

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  5. Ylisa...I found your blog while seaching for a picture of AN OVERFLOWING CUP to go with my post on the poem "I Keep Drinking From My Saucer Cause My Cup Is Overflowing"...THANK YOU for letting me use it!?? Your grandmother had lovely taste in china and your good husband sure did a fantastic job creating your blog header!!! If you'd rather I take it off my blog, please let me know...it is beautiful and you are a beautiful daughter of our loving Heavenly Father!!! BEst wishes to you in your life's journey...it sounds like you travel well "through the years in sunshine and in shade"!!!

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  6. Thanks so much for the nice comments my dear friends. And epecially for your prayers.

    Diane, Yes you can use the picture. I looked at your blog and it is so FULL of personality! I'm glad you found my cup.

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  7. My Sweet Sister, Your life and walk with the Lord never ceases to draw me closer to our loving Jesus. Thank you for being real and for being used by Him in whatever way He calls you. It was great to see you again and spend time with you this last Christmas. I Love you! Lori

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