The Wall

I was diagnosed with MS almost 16 years ago. My main symptom was always difficulty walking. There were many times that I couldn't walk at all and had to use a wheelchair. When I could walk I used a cane and sort of dragged my right foot along behind me. Always in the back of my mind was the fear that I would end up in a wheelchair for good. When I would have an attack, that fear would move from the back of my mind and become a huge wall right in front of me. I couldn't see around it, over it, or anything else other than that wall. It was built brick by brick of what ifs and how can I? and so many doubts and fears. Every time I was confronted with this wall I would turn to the Lord and surrender again, knowing that His love for me was greater than my wall.

It has been nearly 7 years since I have been in my wheelchair, safely on the other side of that wall. All those years of surrender prepared me for surrendering my ability to walk and drive and all the things that are no longer mine as I roll instead of walk. I have learned so many beautiful things on this side of the wall. I know how very much Jesus loves me. I know how sweet it is to surrender to His lovely will for my life. I know the joy of sharing in the fellowship of suffering with my Savior. I have exchanged walking for a peace that reaches a place so deep inside of me that I never even knew existed.

About 6 months ago, I had an attack that made life in my wheelchair more challenging. I am still able to stand up for short periods. I can transfer from my chair to my bed, get dressed, do my own make-up, and fix my hair. I have a measure of independence that I am very thankful for. This attack made it so I couldn't stand up straight, and my balance was terrible. My hands had a serious tremor and I was completely exhausted all the time. Before I knew it, there was another wall right in front of me. This wall was built with all my doubts and fears of losing what little independence I had. But this time I had some experience with this kind of wall. I knew that things are way better on this side of the Wheelchair Wall. One morning I told the Lord that I didn't want to wait to deal with this wall if and when all my fears became reality. So I simply asked Him to take away that wall. I knew He was the only One who could do it. And right then, as I surrendered my life and all my fears once again, my sweet Heavenly Father removed that wall.

I am still confronted with fear about what my future will hold, but then I remember that God took the wall away. And then I remember that He holds my future in His hands. He has shown Himself to be faithful, trustworthy, lovely, mighty and everything else I have ever needed Him to be in my life. I have seen His perfect love cast out my fear again and again.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all of your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

I know it's been a very long time since my last post. I'm still here! We've just had a pretty crazy year. My son had to have an appendectomy when my husband was out of town. That was not something I would ever have felt prepared for! I can't drive so I had to call 911. It was a completely different experience being in the hospital not as a patient. But I had an important job. I was there as Nate's Mom. It was very hard to see him going through everything, but something changed in me. It was like a switch got turned on and my wheelchair didn't seem to be a hindrance. Because my inability to walk had absolutely nothing to do with being there for my son. I even had some inside information. I helped him through getting his IV started, I've had that done countless times. I knew how to operate the bed, call the nurse, even unplug his IV pole and help him to the bathroom. I didn't feel like Disabled Mom, I felt like Super Mom!

My husband, Marc had to have his gallbladder removed and he's been going through some other physical problems. The Lord really taught me a completely different side of compassion. It is absolutely heartbreaking to see this man I so dearly love go through something that there is no easy answer for. Now I know how he feels when he looks at me and tells me he wishes he could take it all away. Even though it's been difficult, it has brought us even closer together, and closer to Jesus.

My daughter, Hannah broke her collar bone when she collided with a boy on the playground. For 2 weeks I helped her get dressed, take a bath, wash her hair and put her shoes on. She never complained. I got to see a beautiful side of her. It was really great to spend all of that time together.

Through all of these things, being in a wheelchair was just somewhere in the background. Or maybe it was, in a way, the star of the show. Because the Lord has taught me how to trust Him in all things throughout these past 16 years of walking with Him. In all of these difficulties, I was given the opportunity to trust Him with the people I love, to encourage them, and to see how very trustworthy God is. Instead of seeing all of the things I can't do, God is showing me all the things I can do. And all of those things are way more important than walking.

In the Quiet

It has been a while since my last post. I haven't been feeling well at all. During this time I have discovered some precious blessings from my faithful Father. It has been a time of quiet. But this has not been a quiet of desolation or despair. It has been a quiet deep within my heart, that place that is reserved for my Jesus.

Looking back over the 14 years of living with MS and walking with the Lord, I see that my road has been full of mountains and valleys. It seems like every time I would have a relapse or was really struggling with surrendering my will, I would be down in the valley; a lot of times way down, even in a dark pit. And then when the Lord lifted me up I was on the mountain top, so joyful to be held in the arms of Jesus.

The past couple of months, I haven't been in a valley or on the mountain. I have just been quiet. But in the quiet I have been so aware of the presence of my Lord. I realized that all those times in the valley I was fighting. Fighting against this disease, fighting against self pity, fighting against God's will for my life. I know that it is really important to fight the good fight and to not give up. But there is a fine line for me, and most of the time I wasn't fighting the good fight, I was just fighting.

I realized something else in this quiet. I'm not fighting. I'm resting. God in all of His lovingkindness has helped me to accept my disease in a way I never have before. I would always feel so guilty when I was so tired I couldn't really do much of anything. When I would see my husband doing everything for our family, I felt so bad, because if I didn't have MS, he wouldn't be burdened down with all this extra work. There is so much freedom in knowing that one little truth about myself; freedom to see that Marc doen't consider it a burden, he does it because he loves me. I have MS. There are going to be times when I just don't feel good. Something really amazing happens when I let go of all these unrealistic expectations I put on myself. I can stop fighting. I can be the wife and mom that God wants me to be, even if that is completely different from who I always thought I should be.

My most recent road has been rough and pretty rocky in some places, no valleys or mountains, but my journey has taken me to a place I've never been before. Tomorrow I am going in for my second infusion of Rituxan. It's not easy. I will feel bad for about a week. I am hoping that this treatment will work and I will start feeling better. But I know that whatever happens will be good.

We had a Pastor from Virginia speak at our church on Sunday. He asked if the difficult circumstances in our lives don't get better, is the presence of Jesus enough? He also said that what ever happens in our life, when Jesus is with us we can say, "How awesome is this place." I can honestly say yes, Jesus is enough. So tomorrow when I am getting my infusion and feeling all yucky, I will be able to say, how awesome is this place. Regardless of what happens with my MS or any other thing in my life, when I know that Jesus is with me, I can know that my heart can say, how awesome is this place. I can say that because in the quiet, I have heard the still small voice of the Lord telling me to cease striving, to stop fighting, and to know that He is my God and that He loves me with a love that is greater than anything. In the quiet I have learned to rest, and I have learned to accept my MS in a way I never have before. I wouldn't trade this for a thousand mountain tops.

Mercy

Mr. Spurgeon just told me (through today's devotion) that God's mercy is a royal chariot for my weary feet. That is so very lovely to me. I know that it is true. In life, my feet can become so weary as I "walk" through each day. Life is just hard, and some days the road is especially rough.

Last week I went to have my Baclofen pump refilled for the first time. It took 7 pokes to find the right spot. On the way home, my husband, Marc, and I were talking about it. It is tempting to think that there is some kind of "Suffering Deductible", and once I've met that for the year, then everything else should be easy. That's funny, but not even close to the truth. The truth is that whatever my God has for me today, His mercy and His grace are enough. When I am faced with any situation, easy or difficult, it is my opportunity to trust my Lord and praise His Name. As I continue doing that I am blessed with a deeper love for my Savior because every time He shows me His faithfulness, He shows me His limitless love.

My wheelchair is the instrument that God is using to show me mercy beyond measure, to bring me to my knees to kiss His feet, to give me joy like I have never known and to pour His love into my heart. So here I sit in my wheelchair, my royal chariot, resting my weary feet with a heart full of gratitude and sustained by His wondrous mercy.

My Tent

A tent is a temporary dwelling place. When I was a kid it was pretty fun to go camping and sleep in a tent. But after a few days I couldn't wait to get back home and sleep in my own bed, to be back in my own house.

The Bible says that my earthly body is a tent. This tent of mine has some serious problems. It's not really holding up like it's supposed to. There have been times that I have been pretty tired of all the rips and tears, and all the problems that come with living in a diseased tent. I really would love it if God would give me a new tent, if He would heal my body of this disease. I know He can, without a doubt, in an instant. I have asked, and He has answered. His answer is, "Not right now."

That is an answer that I can accept. Not because it's easy, but because Almighty God is a good God, and He loves me. I trust Him completely; He has never given me a reason not to. He is my Heavenly Father and He knows the plans He has for my life, and those plans are good and full of hope. Hope because Jesus has said -

"Let not your heart be troubled...In My Father's house are many mansions...I go to prepare a place for you...that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:2

Jesus doesn't want me to be troubled and worried about my tent. He cares about my tent. He is the One who made it for me. But it's not His main concern. What He really cares about is the person inside the tent, the only part that was made to last forever.

When this tent has seen its last day, that is the day I will be healed. I will be in the presence of my King, giving Him all the treasures that I have stored up in Heaven, just for Him.

"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down--when we die and leave these bodies--we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new heavenly bodies. Our dying bodies make us groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by everlasting life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he
has given us his Holy Spirit. So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. That is why we live by believing and not by seeing."

2 Corinthians 5:1-7 (NLT)

Worship

Worship has been so much on my mind and heart for a while. There is such a richness to worship. It is so meaningful on so many levels. Worship is so much more than the songs we sing on Sunday mornings. I think about Job, how after he lost everything, he worshipped the Lord (Job 1:20-21). And Abraham, after waiting years for his son of promise, obeyed the Lord when He told him to offer him as a burnt offering. He said he and Isaac were going to worship (Genesis 22:5). These men did not know the end of their story when they worshipped God at probably the hardest time of their lives. Job didn't wait until God restored everything that he lost. Abraham didn't wait until God provided a ram to take the place of Isaac for the burnt offering. Their hearts were set on the worship of Almighty God.

The definition for worship is "To adore; to pay divine honors to; to reverence with supreme respect." I came across a quote from Warren Wiersbe, "When you find yourself in some trial, and you hurt, immediately lift your heart to Christ in true love and worship. Why? Because this will take the poison out of the experience and replace it with healing medicine." Another definition for worship is, "To honor with extravagant love and extreme submission."

I love the time of worship at church. It is a beautiful thing when we all lift up our voices in song to the Lord. It's like practice for Heaven. But I feel my heart longing for more. I want to worship my Lord Jesus with all that I am, to honor Him with extravagant love and extreme submission. I think this kind of worship has nothing to do with my circumstances, or maybe it has everything to do with them.

So, when I'm having a great day, when I'm feeling good and the kids are good, I will worship my King. And when I'm having a hard day, when I'm so tired it's exhausting just to go to the bathroom, I will worship my King. When I'm feeling so weary and like I just can't do it anymore, I will worship my King. He is so very good all the time. I know I can trust Him and submit to His will for my life.

Today I will look for ways to honor Him with extravagant love. I will worship Christ when I make lunch for my kids, when I get dressed so I can be looking good for my husband after his long day at work, when I'm looking out the window at God's beautiful creation, and when I'm resting on my bed. 

I know how my story will end. I will be on my feet, raising my hands in worship, singing with all of Heaven, "Holy Holy Holy!" Until then, may my actions shout "Hallelujah!" my words sing with love, and the posture of my heart be continually bowed down in worship.

Alacrity

Tonight, in my evening devotion, I was challenged (or encouraged) to take up my cross with alacrity. Alacrity? Now that's not a word I use in my daily vocabulary, so I looked it up. It means “cheerful willingness”. What is my cross? Living with MS in a wheelchair. So, I am to live with MS, in my wheelchair, with cheerful willingness. And then Mr Spurgeon tells me to go on my way rejoicing.

This, to me, implies a daily, moment by moment kind of living. Kind of like breathing. In and out, over and over. At times that is all I can do. Just breathe. Like those times I feel I just can't do it. Or I get stuck in the “why cycle.” Why does everything have to be so hard? Why can't I just hop in the car and go to the grocery store? Why do I keep dropping everything on the bathroom floor? Why does it have to take so much effort just to get my pants on? Why? Why? Why?

I know someone who asked why a whole bunch: Job. He had a lot more reasons to ask why than I do. But I think we both get the same answer. God answered Job. He never told him why he suffered so much, but He did tell Job who He is. And Job's answer is my answer, too, if I can just be still and know that God is God. Job's answer was, “I have heard of Thee by the hearing of the ear; but now mine eye seeth Thee.” Job 42:5

Almighty God has revealed Himself to me. It is because of my cross that I see Him instead of just hearing about Him. It is because of Jesus that I can keep breathing so that I can worship Him in my surrender with cheerful willingness. I can say Thank You to my Savior for my lovely cross that makes me want Him more, to love and adore Him more, and to need Him more than anything else.

And now, I will roll on my way rejoicing...