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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Big Fatigue Bus

For the last week or so I've been dealing with MS fatigue. This is what the National MS Society says about it:

...there is another kind of fatigue—referred to as lassitude—that is unique to people with MS. Researchers are beginning to outline the characteristics of this so-called "MS fatigue" that make it different from fatigue experienced by persons without MS.

-Generally occurs on a daily basis
-May occur early in the morning, even after a restful night’s sleep
-Tends to worsen as the day progresses
-Tends to be aggravated by heat and humidity
-Comes on easily and suddenly
-Is generally more severe than normal fatigue
-Is more likely to interfere with daily responsibilities

One of the most difficult things about living with MS is that I just never know when I'll be hit with something like this. That's what it feels like. Like I got hit by the Big Fatigue Bus. When it hit me this time I just felt so sad. I don't want to look at that list and know that I have each and every one of those things.

So here I am, in my bed, and my cup is overflowing with sorrow. I've been spending some time in the book of Psalms. There's a lot in there about discouragement and despair. I've just been feeling so stuck, or once again, trapped. I think I've been looking at everything through eyes tainted by self-pity. How can I see clearly if all I'm doing is hanging my head down, feeling sorry for myself?

I don't know how many times I have been in this place. The answer is always the same. Look to Jesus!

But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. (Ps. 3:3)

Again I say to Him, "I don't want to, but I will if You want me to." I am choosing now to surrender all to my sweet Savior. My circumstances haven't changed one bit since I wrote that. But my vision has. I am fixing my eyes and my heart on Jesus. I know that He loves me, so I am going to keep trusting, trusting, trusting Him.

As I put my hope and trust in HIM, my cup will overflow with joy once again.

Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God. (Psalm 43:5)

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